?

Log in

Billy Blog [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Journal

Official Site | News
User Profile | Info

Links
[Links:| Add BC to your friendslist | Confessions | Twitter ]

A Warm Summer Day [May. 28th, 2005|01:11 pm]
Billy Corgan
[Tags|, , ]

The wedding is set to start at 4 o’clock, with the justice of the peace due to arrive just before, around 3:30…so when 3:30 rolls around, and the judge so far is a no show, the nerves overrun me and now I am ‘officially’ nervous…I plant myself in the backyard, close to Jimmy, because he fully understands my normal pre-show jitters and knows just how to keep me loose in a pressure filled situation like this (he makes me laugh by cracking dumb jokes)…I start to feel like this is all another gig, but unfortunately one I cannot control or stop or smash my guitar to let out the built up frustrations…I am now playing the role of ill-fitted husband-to-be, and the reality of my decision to get married suddenly transfigures into the reality of actually getting married to someone, and that is a far different concept…in my mind, I figure at least I am getting married to the right girl, the one who is in my heart…

The judge shows at 4, his wife in tow…he is a retired judge, ‘off-duty’ of course, who makes some money on the side performing non-denominational weddings…instead of apologizing for being late (the expected thing in my eyes), he launches into a full description of the uncomfortable colonoscopy he just had and how this has him running a bit slow (not exactly what I want to be thinking about as I take my vows)…he plays the role of The Judge to a tee; gruff, amusingly impersonal, and calling out the shots to no one in particular as he moves through the crowd (”let’s get this show on the road!”)…guests spill out onto the front porch and out the back door because the house is too small to accommodate everyone inside, so only the closest relatives are nearby for the actual ceremony…the house has no air conditioning, so everyone is sweating bullets as the hush starts to goes over the crowd…2 friends are videotaping the affair, my step-mother’s husband and Hippie Bob, one camera from the throng assembled, one camera over by the stairs…I get into my designated spot, which is just next to my baby grand piano, with the window to the street just over my shoulder…the oohs and ahhs cascade down the stairs as Chris starts come down, resplendid in her white gown and as beautiful as I have ever seen her…

My head goes numb as the priest doles out the words, and I can’t hear a thing he is saying…the commitment of the moment overtakes me, and I well up inside with emotions indescribable…I am taking the biggest leap of faith I have ever taken in my life, and I am not sure how I feel about that, but it’s flames consume me and I am now on fire with life and love and possibility…I open my mouth and the words “I do” tumble out like rocks, and when I look at Chris as she mouths the same, but she looks like she is a million miles away from me, her eyes glassed over, her being somewhere else…she is not very good in front of a crowd, and I feel like she has disappeared somewhere inside, away from all of this pomp and ceremony…if there ever was a time I needed her to be present with me and for me, it is right now, but I can’t find her…the judge says “you may kiss the bride”, and I do, a moment out of the fog I am about to go into, and I just say to her in her ear over and over, “we did it, we did it”…I know I have made a mistake, but I don’t care as the tears roll down my cheeks…I feel very alone…

Afterwards, congratulations start and hours seem to pass in well-wishes…when I finally catch a break and head towards the catered food, it is all gone, every single morsel, none of it having been saved for the bride and groom…upset and hungry, I head to the porch, summer dusk settling in, and spend some quiet time with a high school friend, someone I had idealized in my teenage years as the perfect girl…she has the raw beauty of a movie star, and the cool grace of someone who is born beautiful but doesn’t seem to care…she asks me how I am feeling in the secret way that says “you don’t look alright”…I confess I am not sure what I have just done, and tell her back in the same secret way that I am glad she is here with me on this day, because she understands my dreams, even if she will never be a part of them…

As nightfall settles in, the house cools and the party gets started…my mother has finally calmed herself down, taking the kitchen and the back porch area over in order to do her best to avoid any contact with my step-mother, insuring she has an easy spot she can smoke virtually non-stop (there is no smoking allowed in the house)…the different camps divide peacefully, step-family holding court upfront by the porch, father’s family in the middle rooms, and Martha in the back, her dominion intact…my mother has hired a bartender from her local pub to pour drinks, so she is, as always, in her element…

I transfer back and forth between camps, barely seeing my new-bride as we work overtime to talk some with everyone…heading towards the kitchen, I see a man I do not recognize, but whom I immediately figure to be a friend of my mother’s boyfriend…he asks me if he can take a picture of me, and without hesitation I say “sure, no problem”…he is obviously drunk, but that is nothing special at this time of the night…he asks me if I can sign the picture he has just taken, and then it hits me…”who are you?” I ask him…”why, I’m your neighbor, and I want to get an autograph for my kid”…I tense up and blurt “who invited you here?”…””why nobody did, I just figured I’d come down and join the party, I mean, you’re a big celebrity and all and I wanted to be able to tell my friends I got to go hang out at a big celebrities wedding!”…this is all too much, this blatant invasion of one of the most sacred moments in my life, and the absurdity of this guy in my kitchen becomes the knife of all my hatred of the world of appearances and the entitlements of strangers…”Get out” I command him, almost under my breath…”What? What’s the big deal??” “Out I say, out, out, out”…a relative who knows where this is going to go just by the attack posture of my body saves me by escorting the gentleman swiftly out the door…as he goes I can hear him protesting along the way that he “didn’t mean any harm” and “what’s the big deal, aren’t I cool enough to attend the rockstar’s wedding?”

The party is pleasant and anti-climatic, and when all the guests and friends and family finally gone home, Chris and I decompress some of the tension of the day by cleaning up a little, happy to have our home and our life back to ourselves…the hour comes and it is finally time to go to bed, so we head upstairs hand in hand for the first time as husband and wife…she is beautiful, my wife…a sweet soul, whose entire demeanor is that she doesn’t want to hurt a fly…when we join together, it is as close as I ever feel to her lost heart, because normal everyday life just overwhelms her…I slowly take off her dress, laughing, and we kiss tenderly in a moment that only happens once in a lifetime…and I feel her closer than I ever have, and ever will again…

A couple of months before the wedding, Chris had informed me in a passing moment that she was not going to change her last name…when I had asked why, she had said that she was worried her family name was going to die out if her children did not bear her name…she assumed I would have no problem with this, but in all reality it bothered me immeasurably…maybe if she had changed her name, I might have taken a different possession of her and her being and her life, and she of mine…but standing out here on the top porch, me looking at the dim stars, and her asleep inside, I realize nothing had really changed at all…
Link24 Comments | Comment

Wedding Bells Chime [1993] [May. 26th, 2005|03:37 pm]
Billy Corgan
[Tags|, , ]

The day I am to be married is a beautiful, almost too warm kind of affair, with about 150 guests all crammed into my mid-sized Victorian house…my fiancée Chris and my mother Martha had worked very closely in the planning of the wedding and all of its varied details (as well as Chris’ mother too, but not in co-ordination with my mom)…Chris’ approach is “don’t worry about it, I will handle all the details, you just watch t.v.”, and my mother’s approach is “why don’t you seem to care more about your own wedding?”…since we both live together already in the house, it is a natural fit to stage the wedding there, because the house is a symbol in our minds of the type of love that we have: sentimental, old, delicate, and wishing…with about one month to go, there was a noticeable shift in Chris attitude as the pressure of the details began to mount, and I felt great appreciation for her handling of so many of the nagging details (most noticeably the logistics of trying to fit 100+ guests into a house that really only held about 40)…my mother, somewhat representing ‘my’ interest in my nuptials, starts getting more and more detail oriented as the days have gone past, and slowly begins to make Chris nervous with all her small questions…Chris, not wanting to offend her future Mother-in-law, tries her best to comply with all my Mother’s requests, but starts turning to me for help and advice about my Mother’s mercurial nature…what is odd to me is that after 20+ years of being more like my friend, my mother suddenly is becoming my ‘Mom’ in a very real sense, and it is something I am not used to at all…

Chris comes to grab me, telling me “you’ve got to talk to your Mother, she’s on the phone and she’s a little wound up”…as I pick up the phone, Chris makes those eyes that say “good luck”…Martha starts out by asking me why I don’t seem to take any special interest in any of the details surrounding the wedding…I tell her that that is not true, that Chris is keeping me well informed, and since I am paying for much of the proceedings, am pretty responsible for how the money is being spent…she chastises me for not seeming to care more though, and I tell her “Mom, we already live together, and have been a couple for almost 6 years already…it’s just a wedding day…of course it’s special, but in many ways we are already married”…suddenly, she explodes and starts screaming with that razor voice of hers “it’s your fucking wedding!!! How can you not give 2 shits about your goddamned wedding???!!!”…I start asking her to calm down, but now she is in a fit of rage…she hurls insult after insult, distorting the phone as I try to hold it far enough away from my ear until she is done venting…there are only 4 days to go to the ‘big day’, and I can’t believe how wound up she is over placemats and streamers…

My approach to all of this is to treat it as a casual affair…but against my best wishes, the wedding has sprawled out of control; too many guests, too much pressure to care, too much of everything except what I wanted it to be, which is to marry my wife in a calm, gentle ceremony…

We are up very early, because there are so many things that need to get done before the guests start to arrive…we have not had any physical contact for a month in a vain attempt to keep our coupling as pure as possible, so we have a good laugh first thing because we miss being together so much…my mom arrives with her boyfriend, and after we eat a little breakfast, I am in the backyard putting up streamers, moving chairs into place…already, Martha is uptight, something in regards to the balloons…it is way too early for this stuff, and she starts getting upset with me because the balloons are not just right…I do not want a repeat of the other day on the phone, and I just keep saying to her over and over, “Mom, it’s my wedding day, please relax”…she insists that I open the garage, which is dirty, so that she can make a display with the stupid balloons…I am already nervous, and she is just making it worse…in contrast to all this attention from Martha, my father, who has been divorced now from my mother for over 20 years, has not added one effort to this day…his primary concern seems to be whether or not I expect him to contribute any money to the pot, and is relieved when I tell him not to worry about it…the difference in their attitudes towards me getting married strikes an odd balance, and just adds to the surreal nature of this day…one parent caring too much, one parent caring too little…my step-mother, on the other hand, feels a bit dispossessed…Chris has tried to include her in the planning, but as usual anything that involves my real mother negates her ability to safely navigate her petty manipulations, so she has just faded from view on this one…many of my step-family are coming, plus the Corgan side, as well as a few from my mother’s side…this alone puts tension in the air, because this is one of the only times in my life that the 3 divisions of my family-in total are forced to be together in one place, and there is a lot of bad blood and suspicion that goes way back…

With around 2 hours to go, and many of the guests having already arrived, Chris goes upstairs with her ladies to start getting dressed…I am wearing a borrowed suit that is too big for me, and scuffed shoes…my mother is frantically trying to dress up the garage entrance at the last moment, and I keep telling her to leave it alone and enjoy the moment…with Chris out of action, I become the de-facto person to ask anything of, so I spend a good deal of energy getting everyone situated, parked, and pointed in the right direction…I just want to crawl in a hole and get the whole thing over with, because if I am not on stage, I usually do not like being the center of attention…everyone is dressed very nice for this warm summer day, and many memories of years past flood my mind, good years and bad years all mixed up to make this moment real…since the incredible success of our 2nd album, many have showed back up at my door, looking for I know not what, but wanting to be part of it somehow, and where I fit into that I am not really sure…but today, they are all here, and I try to remain grateful, seeing this as a fresh opportunity to start over in my life; with my family, with my friends, and with Chris…
Link49 Comments | Comment

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]